Hi there!
This will be a post with a lot of thoughts and feelings.
When you are sitting alone,
there is a lot of spinning around in your head.
What have I done to keep things affected all the time?
When the children were 2, 4 and 6 years old, my left lung collapsed.
Four weeks in hospital and surgery.
During this time, I lost weight and weighed 50 kilos,
and I am 172 centimeters tall.
During the time at the hospital I met my children once, because they did not like to see me lying there with the machine
connected to a hose straight into the lungs.
This is to keep the lungs running.
I wonder today what they were thinking,
what were the thoughts in their heads.
But I made it through this time, with a shorter lung and poorer capacity.
Why would I be born with blisters on the lung walls
that were not discovered.
I suppose life decided to devil with me even when I was born.
Then life went on still things that happened around me,
nothing serious but I fixed it.
But say the happiness that lasts 6 years later, my other lung collapsed.
Same procedure, four weeks, surgery
and I went down to 45 kilos.
When I lay there in the hospital bed and looked like a corpse,
I got such death anxiety.
What would break in my body next time.
But I went through this as well but with poorer lung capacity.
Now everything started to get worse in my life.
My son was bullied. I think about it a lot.
Did I do enough to help him?
Why didn't the other parents care about what their children did?
Why didn't the school do something?
This obviously affected the whole family not just me.
Then it was time for me again.
I got an unusual side effect of my medication,
I lost a lot of weight before they realized what it was.
Now I was down to 47 kilos again.
A thousand thoughts in his head and death anxiety.
I thought I'd die before they knew what it was.
I even wrote farewell letters to my children,
but thank God they didn't have to read them.
A couple of years earlier I had had fatigue syndrome,
and this didn't do any better.
I gained weight slowly but only gained up to 60 kilos.
Then the family suffered many deaths that affected us all.
Later, my youngest daughter got anorexia
and thinned away in front of my eyes.
I was about to forcibly put her in hospital Because she stopped eating and drinking completely.
Then she got the strength to grab it herself.
I think about it a lot,
was I strong enough to help her or did she haVe to fight herself.
But I'm so proud of her who fixed it.
My oldest daughter met a guy and he lived with us for a while.
We understood that it was not okay between them.
So he had to move and it would be good, but she moved with him.
Now the bad escalated in their relationship
and we tried to get her to leave him.
But she always had explanations for bruises and injuries.
But she had to come to the realization herself.
Every time we made her come home she always went back.
But the day came and she took the step.
The things she told us were horrible.
I was also one reason why she was beaten.
I could tell if I thought something was wrong,
and he got angry then she was beaten.
Why didn't I shut up?
I should understand that he hated me so much.
So because of me she had to endure a lot more.
But today she has met a man, married and had two wonderful children. It was a number of years since all the children moved away from home. It was now that I became extra alone in my marriage.
I then got a job that I loved because I got to work with my hobby.
But say the happiness that lasts.
I resigned because of adult bullying.
Now I ended up in my loneliness again.
After a while, I got a new job that lasted a year.
This is where I made new wonderful friends.
So the days were not as lonely anymore.
So one day I got a cold and pneumonia.
Now I started to lose weight again and felt crap.
But I woke up one day
and just decided that now is the time to live my life.
Said and done I went 60 miles to go to my first concert.
Went on mini vacation. Went to another concert.
Treated me things I didn't usually treat myself with.
Got me a language friend.
So now it was the family's thoughts that were around.
Is Mom Sick? are they going to separate?
But please teach Yourself some time
that you should not plan and feel good.
For now it's time again, time for the next crap.
CANCER !!!!
Now your punishment will come Ann, now you will die.
DEATH FEAR!
Now I felt more alone than ever.
My then husband asked me
throughout cancer time just once how I was feeling.
But I fixed it,
they removed half my right breast and got away with all the cancer.
It was now I decided.
I want to get divorced.
Said and done we took out the divorce.
The house went out for sale.
I got a job and was hired January 1st, an apartment near the job.
Now Ann your life Benins.
Oh no stop!!!!
Life has more to give you!
So now I sit here alone because of CORONA,
I am isolated for my poor health.
I can't meet people. Can life become more ironic.
Then being controlled by people I don't know.
Tired of people who misunderstand everything I say or do.
People who don't take Corona seriously.
So now I sit here myself with my death anxiety.
The best thing I have done in my life is my three children
and I am so proud of them.
I could go through fire and water for them.
But what have I done to deserve all the crap in life?
I have my children, friends and language friend.
But I am still alone because we cannot spend time.
I'll stop planning because I'll still be disappointed anyway.
It was a long post today.
Wish you all a wonderful day / night wherever in the world you are.
But most of all, don't forget to live and care for each other.
Love and Hugs for you all / Ann