Thoughts, wonderings,fears and tears!
It´s been a couple of hard weeks, with so many feelings, tears and anxiety.
It started with the usual breast x-ray, and then there came a letter that they found somethingand I should come back for more x-ray, ultrasound and tests.
It started with the usual breast x-ray, and then there came a letter that they found somethingand I should come back for more x-ray, ultrasound and tests.
Then there was thousands of thoughts in my head,
I was just crying and I diden´t know what to do.
My youngest daughter should drive me and stay there with me.
Everything went wrong this day. It started when my daughter was oversleeping, she came to pick me up she run into the house with the dog and we took off.
I promise that every slow driving people was out that day and decided to drive infront of us.
When we got to the hospital the machine where you buy your parkingticket was not working and my daughter had to download a app to pay with on her phone.
But we got exactly in time.
No one was in the reception after a while the came out and told me that the docter was delated.
And I said to my daughter this isen´t good is there anything more that can go wrong.
I just wanted it to be over like a bad dream.
Finally I got in and they took soooooo many pictures and even a 3D x-ray.
Then I had to sit in the waitingroom again and wait.
I dont know how it would feel like if my daughter haven´t been there with me.
Then finally the docter came 30 min. to late and it was time for the ultrasound.
And she showed me on the screen how it looked like with lime and even cysts,
but she said it looks okej don´t worry.
GOOD how can she say that it´s good, she don´t know whats in it, she isen´t God.
Then they should take tests. If you ever have taken a breast x-ray you know how they pressing your breast between two plates, my poor "boobie" they had to pull hard to get my little breast in there and stay, and there i was stucked for 30 min.
They went in 4 times and they needed the x-ray to come exactly att the right place.
And it was terrible because everytime they took a bit of it there was this sound
that alredy was in my head.
It was the same sound as when they put a tube in my lungs many years ago.
That terrible sound when they pushed the tube thrue the lung wall, and now they did it four times.
I coulden´t move and I was crying I couldent stop crying.
I coulden´t see how they did it, but my daughter could,
I heard the nurse ask her if she was okay she almost fainted.
She told me later that I should be glad I coulden´t see anything.
She said before I did all this and everything is okay she will buy a bottle of champagne, but she bought it anyway because she said I was strong.
I have three wonderful kids and they are my life.
They told me that it could take up to 10 days to get a resault of the tests and promised me I will have it before christmas but I have still not get any results from them, some says it´s good because it positive if it´s get so long time. What are they talking about? Good?
Have they even been waiting for things like that? It´s the only thing I think of all day.
The day after I was going to the church to lissen at my grandson and his friends from daycare
when they was singing. I still have pain in my breast and sad,
but nothing could stop me from see him. I was stood in the front with my youngest grandson in my arms
the whole time they was singing.
But the pain and sadness became so strong and I had to go because I didn´t want to cry in the church infront of my grandsons, it should be a happy event not a sad event.
I really don´t feel good at all and I almost lost a verry special friend to me because of my stupidity.
I´m not always so good at talk about my own feelings, but I´m a verry good lissner. But in this short time I have learned that there are people who loves me more than I could ever know
and for who I´m really are.
And that I have a few wonderful friends, but they are gold worth.
I have filled those days with a lots of things to do and prepare for christmas so I shoulden´t worry and think so much, but as soon as I´m alone I just cry.
And the nightmares that I die and leave my kids behind.
But one thing is sure, what ever the results are I´m not giving up because I´m a fighter and I have been all my life and I have so much more to give, experience and do in life.
But the waiting is the hardest thing.
I have celebrate christmas with my family without crying once.
I have writing this to get the feelings out of my chest and it feels good,
so thank you all who have reading to the end,
and all the wonderful people who are in my life to support me I love you all.
A lot of LOVE and hugs for you all / Ann